Today was hell. Sanity slipping. 2 hours sleep + 8.5 hours work = hallucinations of ponies (several), increased eye twitches, and randomly laughing for no reason while the whole lab stares in confusion. I think I frightened the hell out of the new girl.

Girl: "where do I put these rolls?"
Matt: "Banana!"

Welcome to Wal-mart.

Some sort of subconsious autonomic programming kept things allright. Akin to the mammalian diving reflex, I call it "The Wal-mart coping mechanism"- Move over Freud.

See: Cognitive Map (p. 667)
Also: Conditioned response (P. 102)
This mechanism keeps you doing things as normal. You could be cruising on a head full of acid, and still know that Matte pictures with borders are channel 31. Familiarity builds confidence, confidence leads to a sence of normalcy. Tic-tac-toe.

Breathe
Smile
Matte or Glossy? Shit we're out of glossy. Adapt. Evolution at work.

The fine line between insanity and genius is relative. Genius=tightrope. Insanity a mine field below.
see: Bipolar disorder (p. 614-619).

I just found my wallet. *dance, dance, dance* Let's just hope this day gets better. ;)

Well, I went out to try and have fun. Emphasis on try. Tyler showed up, and Gab stuck with me most of the evening which was good. But due to my spat with Melissa, I was unable to socialise with most of my friends. Eventually, me and Ms. Gallant reconciled and I was able to do so, but I am really upset over a lot of things. Being ditched, being hurt, rejected, snubbed, etc. all by the only person I really wanted to be with. It made me leave that hole, I just couldn't take it. I just can't take it.

I have to go to work today. Emphasis on have to. But I'm exhausted. I'm a shell of a person. I roughly got to sleep at 2:45-3 am, and I've been up since 7am. I eat one meal a day, if that. I keep have a disturbing recurring dream, and my eye keeps twitching involuntarily. I can't find my wallet, and likely never will. To be quite honest, other than a few bright spots, this has been the worst week of my life. Emphasis on worst.

So yeah. What do I say? I know you're going to read this. *insert 10 min. long pause* How do you want me to act? I can play loving boyfriend (snot on t-shirt, well, loving you in general...) or I can play absent after thought. (see: last night after 1:30). In between is the hardest part, and that's likely what you want.

I love plucking your eyebrows, I love going to the beach, I love making you milkshakes, I love seeing you smile. I love waking up and looking at you while you still sleep. I love crying my eyes out while thinking of how much you mean to me. Emphasis on love. Is this my fate? To be destroyed from the inside out? Is this "what is meant to happen"? I feel like hell. I hope one way or another it's all worth it. That faint hope keeps me going, it keeps me alive.

What a weekend. What a bad weekend. Shitty work schedule (out @ 1130 on Sat.). I found out some things that caused me some distress. Enough to make me haul off on parking meters and bust a plate glass window. My arm is cut to hell, and knuckles bruised, it matches my heart. Not exactly my proudest moment. I will however try to forget why my heart hurts, but it'll be hard. I'll always have scars to remind me. Fuck. And the worst part is there's no one to blame but myself.

Speaking of blaming myself, I've been doing that a lot lately. Racy thoughts of things done and things to do keep me up at night. I'm really depressed and I hope I don't piss off anyone else or do anything stupid before this wears off. There's a lot on my mind, to worry about, to hope for. Fate? I've had a lot of things happen to me with no apparant reason. Fate is a hard concept. But if you say so, I'lll trust you. After all, what else can I do?

Today was really fun. Shan spent the night last night, and while she slept I watched James Bond's "Die another day" great action, classic bond. I had the day off, slept til 1, woo-hoo. Watched "Old School" starring Will Ferrell, also a good movie. Me and Shannon played some catch and I experienced a lot of what I'd been missing. Do you read this? If you do. Hear this-
I had fun today. I do however resent what you've been telling bria about "being though that" I think my infraction (although I realize it was a breach of trust) was quite a lot more minor to what Mr. White committed. That's just how I feel. But thanks for recommending "what you did to feel better". That's all I have to say about that.

I took her home and went to Rugby, great practice. Not too rough, got home, and ran some more. I'm machine! Aw well, off to bed. Winnipeg in August!

Hurray for free booze!
Thursday we won Trivia-free booze.
Friday Adam shared his quart and beer from Melissa and Sarah-free booze.
Saturday I used the rest of my trivia certificate- free booze.
Do I want to go play soccer in the rain? I think I do.
buh byeee.

You're Alberta. You're always up for a good time
and are the life of the party. There is an aura
of excitement about you and you try to have fun
wherever and whenever you can. You're quite
popular and understandbly so.


What Canadian Province Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Neat. Alberta. Well I guess it does make sense aside from the popular part. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. All spent drinking. Thursday was trivia, fun times, I argued with Joel about Simpsons, and Ellen MacQuarrie is a bitch, but otherwise a good time.
Friday was looking shitty. After spending too long watching Andrew gamble and losing Jamie and Smitty. The two of us went to Myron's and saw an awesome band called The Wassabi collective www.wasssabi.net I met Katy and Chris and Chris' roomates Chris' roomates, had some smokeage and went home.
Saturday was pretty boring. Being stalked kinda put a damper on things. Oh well, Jeff Morris band was ok. I really wanted to see the dears, but all my friends are Myron's whores. That's all for now.

Today was great. I woke up early to be at the gym for 11. This was especially difficult after a rugby practice yesterday. Me and Gab ran a bit, and did some weights, great fun. We left the gym and decided to go for a walk downtown. We headed to the Formosa teahouse stoppping at the bulk barn on the way. The Formosa was AMAZING. I had never been there, but the food and drink were great, and all at an awesome price. I would 100% recomend it. After leaving we went and got coffee/smoothies and hit up Back Alley. We walked back and went home, and here I sit.
Tonight is trivia. Cheap beer, good talk and good buds. Thursdays are my favorite night of the week!

Not to give in to"blog fever" I just thought it'd be a good place for me to express how I feel and not worry about reaction. Let's see how this works